A Fragile Mental State

I'm not really sure how to describe my mental state right now. Mort and I have our recognized show this weekend. We decided to stick with first level and keep things easy for Mort. Since we haven't travelled much in the last couple years with the trailering issues, I want the trips we do take to be easy. First level is something well within our wheelhouse. Schooling second at home and showing first is fine. It's not my second level goal, but it's been a really rough year with the property stuff. It's probably better for both of us. Speaking of travelling…. Mort and I took a very successful field trip at the beginning of July where Mort loaded fairly well with little drama Friday, Saturday (just for practice while we were there), and Sunday. He was calm and happy and I felt good about life. Mort and I hauled out for a lesson with my regular instructor the first weekend of August to get Mort off-property one more time before the show. We used my trailer instead of the barn owner's since it was just Mort going. He was a teeny bit slower getting on to leave, but soon decided it was fine. Good boy. We had a very successful and relaxing lesson. Mort was alert but calm for the whole field trip. Until it was time to get back on the trailer. He just wanted to stare off into the distance and ignore me. So I'd get him partway on with bribery then he'd decide he was done and wanted to stare again. He wasn't being dramatic, but he was paying about 50% attention to me and just didn't care to get on the trailer. We decided to up the ante and I added a dressage whip to the activity. When he would stare off he'd get tapped on the shoulder to get his attention back on me. This escalated things a bit. He kept swinging his body around the side. He'd tuck his chin to his chest and pull you along for the ride. He knows how big he is. He knows he can get away. He basically said "F*ck you" over and over again. He had dozens of soft moments where he'd give and step partway on the trailer. Well over an hour later, it was dark and we were running low on motivation. In a last-ditch attempt to not have to spend the night, I grabbed a handful of grain in a bucket. Mort walked right on. I'm not sure I've ever been so frustrated and relieved at the same time. Tuesday evening, the barn owner hooked up her trailer for us to practice on. I was nervous we'd have a repeat of Saturday but Mort hopped on three times with no issues. Saturday morning I went to practice again and could not get him on. I broke out the rope halter. I tried aggressive backing instead of the whip which I definitely liked better as he hated the backing but it didn't cause the situation to escalate. I eventually got him to a place where he'd walk forward a couple steps on the ramp before I would slowly back him down on purpose. I think he would have eventually gotten on with that, but the barn owner was hauling out for a lesson and needed her trailer. Here's to hoping he's back to getting on the next couple rounds of practice this week. So that's a big part of my mental state. I really hate not knowing how Mort is going to be on the trailer. I really hate that he didn't have the training at a young age that the halter is infallible. It's all a real struggle that the only way to fix is more and more practice and taking him places. But that's also what I want to avoid to not deal with all of the drama. Ugh. Part two of my mental state is just that I can't seem to get excited about the show. I'm not dreading it by any means, but I'm just so worn down this summer that my brain can't seem to focus in. (Definitely why just showing first level is the best idea.) I'm looking forward to a weekend filled with horses and horse friends, but my rides haven't been the best. Mort's been stiffer in his left jaw for longer into our rides which is causing me to fixate on it which is never the answer. We always end with him feeling good, but the rides have been longer and less focused than I like. I'm hoping to put in one completely loose rein/stretchy ride this week and one ride where he's soft and we just play with some transitions. I think Tuesday will be the transition ride that hopefully gets him soft and doesn't drag along (I know it's up to me but I suck lately). Thursday we'll focus on happy and loose and no pressure to maybe "reset" us some before the show. Hopefully my list-making and show prep will get me more excited and focused for this weekend. Hopefully Mort gets on the dang trailer. Hopefully we both have a fun and relaxing weekend at the show.