A Matter of Trust

Mort was good for me in our training work on Friday and yesterday. I wanted to reward him by keeping the training part short but that left me wanting to still work on some fitness. Back when we had easy access to trails, I would have adventured with him on those (hopefully we can get a loop established on our property someday). But now we're near town and I'm not adventuring on a major road. So instead, I let him have a hand gallop.

We didn't go for all that long and he probably didn't gain all that much fitness. But it gets his heart rate and breathing up and it puts a pep in his step. It's fun for both of us. I do of course end the ride with lots of walking to make sure that he doesn't revert to a total racehorse.

But the point of this post isn't to talk about our training, but our trust.

For the first 6-8 months of our relationship, I didn't trust Mort. We didn't know each other and he was tense and spooky. He wasn't bad, but we were both new to each other and he was in the totally different world of being a sporthorse versus a racehorse. So we slowly worked our way toward trusting each other. We started to explore trails. He started to enjoy being on a loose rein. He got a little self-confidence and our confidence in each other grew.

Fast forward a couple years and he was a horse I'd trust with almost anyone. We'd traveled to clinics and shows where he was a champ. Steven would graze him while I cleaned stalls or hose him while I changed out of show clothes. I let my sister ride him, which was her first time on a horse in over a decade. She was nervous at first but quickly realized that he was a horse who wasn't going to do something stupid out of the blue. I could go on vacation for a week and hop on him bareback for a hack along the gravel road.

We knew each other and had confidence that we were both there to take care of each other.

Then from 2.5 years to 3.5 years Mort and I were at a barn that was close to home but eventually showed that it wasn't a good fit for us. The trust that we had slowly got chipped away.

I didn't notice it at first. I would still hop on him after a day off without trepidation. In my mind he was still the easy-going horse. All horses spook sometimes. All horses have bad days. All horses have issues. He was still my Mort.

The incidences were infrequent at first. Maybe the barn owner had a hard time with leading him outside and he got pushy. He pulled back in the cross ties and broke a halter…and then another and another. I stopped tying him in the wash rack because he'd more often than not be nervous. I stopped riding him bareback without a second thought…then I basically stopped riding bareback all together. I started getting nervous if he'd had more than one day off from riding. He stopped only being pushy with the barn owner and started being pushy with me. I would rarely start a ride on a loose rein.

It's so obvious now that we should have never gone to that barn. But in spite of all of the red flags that I've just admitted to, there were still so many good days where we'd walk the gravel roads and the pasture behind the arena with confidence. It wasn't immediate, but I did see it before I did anything about it. I didn't want to admit to myself that Mort wasn't the same. The barn was close to home and they weren't doing anything glaringly wrong to cause Mort's behavior. When I finally started to realize it wasn't the best for Mort I thought we could wait until he moved to our property. That was selfish and I deeply regret it.

It's been almost exactly two months since I've moved Mort and it feels like a lifetime. I asked Mort to hand gallop on Friday without a second thought. I not only trusted that he would take care of us, but that it would be fun. I don't find myself stressing out when he's had a day off (or a week when the weather was still horrible). I don't keep myself awake at night worrying about his mental health or whether he's being pushy to the barn owner. I've ridden him bareback again and all of our rides start on a loose rein walk.

Just like with losing our trust, I didn't fully notice it being built back up again. For some reason, the desire to go fast on him again helped click it into place. I don't think we're back to 100% from where we were; there are a few scars that will take a little longer to heal. But I do trust my horse again and in trusting him again, only now do I realize how much that I didn't trust him before. I trust him and I trust that we'll continue on the path toward where we were--and beyond.

It was hard for me to write this post. Putting it down here is the first time I'm going to admit it to anyone other than myself. I don't blame the barn, and I definitely blame myself. We live and learn and thankfully Mort is forgiving.